Danger West

I’ve heard all these people talking about MySpace.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

“Check MySpace.”

“Fool, answer the got-damned question! I ain’t readin’ yo jibbah-jabbah on the internet!”

“Heh, Mr. T’s got a MySpace page too!”

I’m always getting these emails inviting me to MySpace, so I finally go and check it out and I’m thinking, “Is that it?” What these people don’t realize is that I’m like flippin’ V’Ger. I’m this enormous thing with a lot of gas that eats starships and craps klingons. I’ve traveled the Internet for years, learning all there is to know until I’m so friggin’ huge that I’m a hazard to navigation, so along comes this flabby white boy in girdle tellin’ me to check his MySpace page so I don’t destroy the earth or some shit. So I look at it and I’m like, “Is this all there is? Is there nothing more?”

So I ask what the big deal is. All I see is a picture, some vitals and a brief bio set against a technicolor vomit background. I double-check my LCD monitor to ensure that it hasn’t accidently exploded. Nope, it’s fine. The page looks like shit on purpose. And it has lots of comments featuring poorly photographed ho’s posting flashy animated gifs and constantly writing, “just sayin hello! where u been? its ben a while! write ME! Lol!”

“It lets me keep in touch and meet new people.”

They’re just comments posted to a simple web page. Christ almighty, it’s Geocities with a guestbook! I saw this in 1997 and you’re rollin’ up like this is the greatest invention since the Amiga? Hey, Paul, check this out! It’s this game on a TV where you hit this white square back and forth. Isn’t that the bees-knees?! No, you moron, it’s frickin’ Pong and it’s old, just like your busted ass MySpace page. You need to get with the program and get a blog, just like me.

Blogs are superior to MySpace. I write stuff and people leave comments. I post pictures, sometimes. I mean, this is like The Future. What I say is important. I may not have 1900 “friends”, but what I say carries weight with the entire world. I’ve been on CNN, crackerjack! I’m part of a revolution that’s going to overthrow the media. My pitchfork and torch are out in the shed. I’m just waiting for the word to take to the streets, yell some shit and kill something. Dammit, we’re going to boil the oceans looking to talk to some humpback whales. We’re going to introduce deadly pandemics, make supervolcanoes erupt and completely reverse 6 million years of primate evolution. We’re going to lay prone upon the ground, grip the sweet-smelling soil of our native lands and begin humping the Earth all at the same time, causing a harmonic dissonance that’ll throw this planet out of the solar system, dooming everything and everyone to an icy tomb. You can’t stop us.

And you want me to have a MySpace page? In the words of Abraham Lincoln: Get bent, guero, I’ve got a blog!

…and a MySpace page, too.